Potential Oscar Material

SCENE:

EXT. POMPIDOU CENTER, APPROXIMATELY 11:40 A.M.

A hoard of students waits impatiently in line to get into the library. Above, perched atop one of the many huge, blue PVC pipes, stands a row of pigeons, standing at attention. In swoops PIGEON PATTON, who lands in front of them, on the pipe just above them, and starts pacing.

PIGEON PATTON: Alright birds, this is the moment you've been waiting for, preparing for. I know some of you may be nervous, and while that may be normal, I will not have it in my squad! You're pigeons, God damn it! Be proud of your disease infested heritage! Stand up straight, puff out your chest like you just saw the hottest piece of pigeon ass in all of Paris! Good. Now, let's get to it. The plan is a sneak attack. Polly, what's the target's status?

POLLY: They haven't spotted our positions yet.

PIGEON PATTON: Well, they will get some education in about 10 seconds when they get a dose of our artillery fire. Now, I'm going to need my best birds today, and every one of you needs to be on your tip-talons. There can be no mistakes! If anyone fucks this up, I'll club your foot, do you hear me?! You'll be left to roam derelict garden houses and chain boulangerie garbage. You all ate your breakfast this morning, I take it?

PIGEONS: Sir, yes, sir!

PIGEON PATTON: Good, that's what I like to hear. Sam, what did you stuff down that beak of yours?

SAM: Some moldy blueberries, sir.

PIGEON PATTON: Excellent. Fred?

FRED: I found an open diaper, sir.

PIGEON PATTON: Fine morning fare, indeed.

A smaller pigeon with "special" coloring and some mohawk feathers starts jumping up and down, flapping a wing to get PIGEON PATTON's attention.

PIGEON PATTON: What IS it, Pip?

PIP (stuttering): Sir, I-I-I-I-I I'd like to help today. I found some month-old chevre earlier and I think I could be of service.

PIGEON PATTON: Well, show me what you've got.

PIP brings his wings in close and, after some effort, squeaks out a fart. PIGEON PATTON sniffs out the stench. The other pigeons start hacking.

PIGEON PATTON: You magnificent bastard! That is absolutely putrid, Pip. You can be my sharpshooter today. Now, birds, get in position! Joe, tell me what you see.

JOE (looking down): Well, there's a group of happy looking kids talking and smoking, and -- THERE! THERE! There's a girl in a black jacket with a white shirt and freshly-washed hair!

PIGEON PATTON: Excellent! A week's croissant crumbs ration bonus for the pigeon who gets the jacket. And two weeks if it lands in the hair.

JOE: What about the girl with white pants?

POLLY: Idiot, do you have any idea how hard it is to hit pants from this angle? It's not even worth trying.

PIGEON PATTON: Polly's right, Joe. Better keep to their heads and shoulders. We're looking for mass casualties here. Ready, pigeons?

PIGEONS: Yes, sir!

PIGEON PATTON: Take your positions!

The pigeons turn around and stick their asses out over the pipe.

PIGEON PATTON: Ready. Aim.

They all carefully look behind them. PIP is very intent on hitting his target.

PIGEON PATTON: FIRE!!

Simultaneously, they all let their ammunition drop onto the unsuspecting crowd. SPLAT.
Pause.

STUDENTS: Is it on me, is it on me? Oh, good. Thank God. Christ, what's that smell?

They look around and stop at ALLISON.

ALLISON: Fuck. Me.

PIP: I got her, I got her! The hair AND the jacket!! Suck it, Polly!

END SCENE.