Thesis is done. I need a job. Also, a life.
New goal: become independently wealthy by my 23rd birthday so I don't have to do bitch work for egocentric producers, publishers, or writers. This gives me precisely ten days to make my millions. Why am I still wasting time on the internet?
Showing posts with label random. Show all posts
Showing posts with label random. Show all posts
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
T - 4 weeks
I think my relationship with Special K has reached a new level of intimacy. It's like Special K knows what I'm thinking. And also like it knows what's best for me. Like today, when I went to pour myself a bowl from a brand new box, and it only gave me a few little chocolate shavings because it knew I only had whole milk, and if it could have talked, it probably would have said, "Allison, you don't need extra chocolate shavings. I'm saving them for when you get some skim and afford the extra calories." It also tends to give me fewer chocolate shavings when I eat it for dinner. I know I should be ashamed of eating cereal for dinner, but come the fuck on. Who hasn't, at some point, and especially in the stressful stages of their academic career, forgone the home-cooked meal and instead grabbed the box of Frosted Mini Wheats off the top of the microwave?
My brother left this morning, and now my apartment can finally get back to a state of normalcy and cleanliness. I just don't understand how it's possible for me to take a shower without getting water on every surface in my bathroom (not to mention hair and fuzz, gross), but as soon as I have houseguests, especially boys, it's like a typhoon hit my apartment. Although, they did clean up before they left, so that was at least good. We also got out to Epernay a couple of days ago and toured a couple of champagne houses, which was awesome. I drank four glasses of champagne in one afternoon and flirted with the bartender and learned some stuff. Also, now I really want to buy a château and a vineyard and make wine. But, you know, 22 year-olds don't really do that sort of thing, so I guess I'll just stick with finding a real job for the moment and work my way up to oenological enthusiast.
Other than that, I've been spending my time procrastinating. Like, crazy procrastinating. Today, I did laundry and went food shopping and dropped something off at school, but that wasn't enough. So I counted all the coins sitting around my apartment. And washed them. Well, some of the really gross ones that started oxidizing and whatnot. For future reference, a mixture of vinegar, water and lemon juice works wonders on really old crusty coins. Also, I had almost 8 euros of spare change! Amazing!
I'm rich!
My brother left this morning, and now my apartment can finally get back to a state of normalcy and cleanliness. I just don't understand how it's possible for me to take a shower without getting water on every surface in my bathroom (not to mention hair and fuzz, gross), but as soon as I have houseguests, especially boys, it's like a typhoon hit my apartment. Although, they did clean up before they left, so that was at least good. We also got out to Epernay a couple of days ago and toured a couple of champagne houses, which was awesome. I drank four glasses of champagne in one afternoon and flirted with the bartender and learned some stuff. Also, now I really want to buy a château and a vineyard and make wine. But, you know, 22 year-olds don't really do that sort of thing, so I guess I'll just stick with finding a real job for the moment and work my way up to oenological enthusiast.
Other than that, I've been spending my time procrastinating. Like, crazy procrastinating. Today, I did laundry and went food shopping and dropped something off at school, but that wasn't enough. So I counted all the coins sitting around my apartment. And washed them. Well, some of the really gross ones that started oxidizing and whatnot. For future reference, a mixture of vinegar, water and lemon juice works wonders on really old crusty coins. Also, I had almost 8 euros of spare change! Amazing!
I'm rich!
Sunday, May 18, 2008
We are the world
I'll write a real post tomorrow when I'm done in front of the firing squad, but for now, for those of you who speak french, enjoy this:
Europe as seen by the French:
For those of you who don't speak French, here's the translation (they're all pretty much pejorative):
Maison = Home
Faineants = Lazy
Poilues = Hairy
Lents = Slow
Voleurs = Thieves
Terroristes = take a guess
Fachos = Facists
Teubé = Stupid
Toxicos = Drug Addicts
Alcoolos = Alcoholics
Roux = Redheads
On s'en fout = We don't care about them
Bonasses = Softies
Putes = Whores
Mafia and Vodka = self-explanatory
Accordeonistes = Accordion players
PD = homos
Offensive, and I'm not really sure to whom, but funny.
Also, this one, France from the Parisian perspective:
Translation:
Maison = Home
Pauvres = Poor people
Alcooliques = Alcoholics
Nid de connards = Nest of assholes/bastards/jackasses
Putes & Voleurs = Whores and thieves
Dépressifs = Depressed people
On s'en branle = We don't give a fuck
And lastly, to be fair, the world seen by Americans (my favorite is the last one; note the conspicuous absence of Africa):
Europe as seen by the French:
For those of you who don't speak French, here's the translation (they're all pretty much pejorative):
Maison = Home
Faineants = Lazy
Poilues = Hairy
Lents = Slow
Voleurs = Thieves
Terroristes = take a guess
Fachos = Facists
Teubé = Stupid
Toxicos = Drug Addicts
Alcoolos = Alcoholics
Roux = Redheads
On s'en fout = We don't care about them
Bonasses = Softies
Putes = Whores
Mafia and Vodka = self-explanatory
Accordeonistes = Accordion players
PD = homos
Offensive, and I'm not really sure to whom, but funny.
Also, this one, France from the Parisian perspective:
Translation:
Maison = Home
Pauvres = Poor people
Alcooliques = Alcoholics
Nid de connards = Nest of assholes/bastards/jackasses
Putes & Voleurs = Whores and thieves
Dépressifs = Depressed people
On s'en branle = We don't give a fuck
And lastly, to be fair, the world seen by Americans (my favorite is the last one; note the conspicuous absence of Africa):
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
In lieu of actually being productive
I don't particularly feel like toiling into the wee hours of the morning working on shit I don't really care about, so here are some things I find chuckle-worthy instead! I particularly love this one, which I found going through random blogs. I love the face at the end - it's like he's traumatized, but he doesn't know why.
Also, this: (my favorite part is the guy rolling on the grass)
And this one, which I'm too uneducated to be able to embed.
I think this summer I might find some crash course in computer science. Or the Internet. Do they have those?
Also, this: (my favorite part is the guy rolling on the grass)
See more funny videos at CollegeHumor
And this one, which I'm too uneducated to be able to embed.
I think this summer I might find some crash course in computer science. Or the Internet. Do they have those?
Friday, May 2, 2008
Potential Oscar Material
SCENE:
EXT. POMPIDOU CENTER, APPROXIMATELY 11:40 A.M.
A hoard of students waits impatiently in line to get into the library. Above, perched atop one of the many huge, blue PVC pipes, stands a row of pigeons, standing at attention. In swoops PIGEON PATTON, who lands in front of them, on the pipe just above them, and starts pacing.
PIGEON PATTON: Alright birds, this is the moment you've been waiting for, preparing for. I know some of you may be nervous, and while that may be normal, I will not have it in my squad! You're pigeons, God damn it! Be proud of your disease infested heritage! Stand up straight, puff out your chest like you just saw the hottest piece of pigeon ass in all of Paris! Good. Now, let's get to it. The plan is a sneak attack. Polly, what's the target's status?
POLLY: They haven't spotted our positions yet.
PIGEON PATTON: Well, they will get some education in about 10 seconds when they get a dose of our artillery fire. Now, I'm going to need my best birds today, and every one of you needs to be on your tip-talons. There can be no mistakes! If anyone fucks this up, I'll club your foot, do you hear me?! You'll be left to roam derelict garden houses and chain boulangerie garbage. You all ate your breakfast this morning, I take it?
PIGEONS: Sir, yes, sir!
PIGEON PATTON: Good, that's what I like to hear. Sam, what did you stuff down that beak of yours?
SAM: Some moldy blueberries, sir.
PIGEON PATTON: Excellent. Fred?
FRED: I found an open diaper, sir.
PIGEON PATTON: Fine morning fare, indeed.
A smaller pigeon with "special" coloring and some mohawk feathers starts jumping up and down, flapping a wing to get PIGEON PATTON's attention.
PIGEON PATTON: What IS it, Pip?
PIP (stuttering): Sir, I-I-I-I-I I'd like to help today. I found some month-old chevre earlier and I think I could be of service.
PIGEON PATTON: Well, show me what you've got.
PIP brings his wings in close and, after some effort, squeaks out a fart. PIGEON PATTON sniffs out the stench. The other pigeons start hacking.
PIGEON PATTON: You magnificent bastard! That is absolutely putrid, Pip. You can be my sharpshooter today. Now, birds, get in position! Joe, tell me what you see.
JOE (looking down): Well, there's a group of happy looking kids talking and smoking, and -- THERE! THERE! There's a girl in a black jacket with a white shirt and freshly-washed hair!
PIGEON PATTON: Excellent! A week's croissant crumbs ration bonus for the pigeon who gets the jacket. And two weeks if it lands in the hair.
JOE: What about the girl with white pants?
POLLY: Idiot, do you have any idea how hard it is to hit pants from this angle? It's not even worth trying.
PIGEON PATTON: Polly's right, Joe. Better keep to their heads and shoulders. We're looking for mass casualties here. Ready, pigeons?
PIGEONS: Yes, sir!
PIGEON PATTON: Take your positions!
The pigeons turn around and stick their asses out over the pipe.
PIGEON PATTON: Ready. Aim.
They all carefully look behind them. PIP is very intent on hitting his target.
PIGEON PATTON: FIRE!!
Simultaneously, they all let their ammunition drop onto the unsuspecting crowd. SPLAT.
Pause.
STUDENTS: Is it on me, is it on me? Oh, good. Thank God. Christ, what's that smell?
They look around and stop at ALLISON.
ALLISON: Fuck. Me.
PIP: I got her, I got her! The hair AND the jacket!! Suck it, Polly!
END SCENE.
EXT. POMPIDOU CENTER, APPROXIMATELY 11:40 A.M.
A hoard of students waits impatiently in line to get into the library. Above, perched atop one of the many huge, blue PVC pipes, stands a row of pigeons, standing at attention. In swoops PIGEON PATTON, who lands in front of them, on the pipe just above them, and starts pacing.
PIGEON PATTON: Alright birds, this is the moment you've been waiting for, preparing for. I know some of you may be nervous, and while that may be normal, I will not have it in my squad! You're pigeons, God damn it! Be proud of your disease infested heritage! Stand up straight, puff out your chest like you just saw the hottest piece of pigeon ass in all of Paris! Good. Now, let's get to it. The plan is a sneak attack. Polly, what's the target's status?
POLLY: They haven't spotted our positions yet.
PIGEON PATTON: Well, they will get some education in about 10 seconds when they get a dose of our artillery fire. Now, I'm going to need my best birds today, and every one of you needs to be on your tip-talons. There can be no mistakes! If anyone fucks this up, I'll club your foot, do you hear me?! You'll be left to roam derelict garden houses and chain boulangerie garbage. You all ate your breakfast this morning, I take it?
PIGEONS: Sir, yes, sir!
PIGEON PATTON: Good, that's what I like to hear. Sam, what did you stuff down that beak of yours?
SAM: Some moldy blueberries, sir.
PIGEON PATTON: Excellent. Fred?
FRED: I found an open diaper, sir.
PIGEON PATTON: Fine morning fare, indeed.
A smaller pigeon with "special" coloring and some mohawk feathers starts jumping up and down, flapping a wing to get PIGEON PATTON's attention.
PIGEON PATTON: What IS it, Pip?
PIP (stuttering): Sir, I-I-I-I-I I'd like to help today. I found some month-old chevre earlier and I think I could be of service.
PIGEON PATTON: Well, show me what you've got.
PIP brings his wings in close and, after some effort, squeaks out a fart. PIGEON PATTON sniffs out the stench. The other pigeons start hacking.
PIGEON PATTON: You magnificent bastard! That is absolutely putrid, Pip. You can be my sharpshooter today. Now, birds, get in position! Joe, tell me what you see.
JOE (looking down): Well, there's a group of happy looking kids talking and smoking, and -- THERE! THERE! There's a girl in a black jacket with a white shirt and freshly-washed hair!
PIGEON PATTON: Excellent! A week's croissant crumbs ration bonus for the pigeon who gets the jacket. And two weeks if it lands in the hair.
JOE: What about the girl with white pants?
POLLY: Idiot, do you have any idea how hard it is to hit pants from this angle? It's not even worth trying.
PIGEON PATTON: Polly's right, Joe. Better keep to their heads and shoulders. We're looking for mass casualties here. Ready, pigeons?
PIGEONS: Yes, sir!
PIGEON PATTON: Take your positions!
The pigeons turn around and stick their asses out over the pipe.
PIGEON PATTON: Ready. Aim.
They all carefully look behind them. PIP is very intent on hitting his target.
PIGEON PATTON: FIRE!!
Simultaneously, they all let their ammunition drop onto the unsuspecting crowd. SPLAT.
Pause.
STUDENTS: Is it on me, is it on me? Oh, good. Thank God. Christ, what's that smell?
They look around and stop at ALLISON.
ALLISON: Fuck. Me.
PIP: I got her, I got her! The hair AND the jacket!! Suck it, Polly!
END SCENE.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
After hours at the zoo
I don't have much to say. I'm officially on break, but I'm bitter that I have to spend most of it working and that when I go visit my friend in Scotland, I'm going to feel guilty for not working even more. C'est la vie. In the meantime, please enjoy this Orangina commercial, which I thought they retired in the fall, but now I'm extremely happy they've resurrected it because it's one of my favorite commercials of all time. You can't really get creepier than anthropomorphic, sexualized animals, but it's pretty damn mesmerizing.
(english version)
(english version)
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